To my Baby Boy on his First Birthday { Jude is ONE}

Dear Jude, 

This past weekend, we celebrated your first birthday. At your birthday party when I was walking towards you with your cake and everyone started singing to you, I flashed back to the early days when you were so tiny that you barely fit into your carseat.

How is it possible that you're a year old already? It seems like moments ago they held you up, pink and crying.. and said "hey mom, look to your right". When I turned my head, there you were. All 5 lbs 9.5 oz of you. Suddenly everything was different. 

And now you're a year old. You're not an infant anymore. You're just on the border of toddlerhood. You're the same person you've always been but you're changing every day. Each day you show us something new that you've learned and we feel so proud of you. 

 This year has been so incredibly wonderful but it's also been so incredibly hard. There were moments when I cuddled you and I wanted to stop time forever. I wanted you to spend an eternity in my arms and have you stay the same forever. There were other times that were more difficult and I wanted time to pass quickly yet it felt like an eternity, praying for the moment your daddy would walk in the door at the end of the day.  Regardless of all those moments, this year passed in the blink of an eye. Suddenly it's not just you and me anymore; I'm back to work and the next chapter has begun. 

Every day I am so proud of the little person you have become and of your personality that has continued to bloom. You are so much like your daddy; you have his sense of humour and his sly grin. You have his intelligence. Sometimes when you look at me I get chills because I see so much of your daddy in you. Other times though, I think you're a lot like me too. You have my impatience and my demanding attitude. You want what you want and that's ALL you want. But you are also determined like me. You never give up ... and I can only hope that in the future that doesn't change. 

To think there was a time I did not know you; know what your laugh sounded like, or know what it was like to have your sleeping body curled into mine is almost unthinkable. 

So little man.. thank you. Thank you for being my boy. For drawing out a strength I did not know I had. For showing me what kind of mother I can be. For reminding me every day of the beautiful blessings I have in my life. For bringing me even closer to your daddy (seeing him be your dad has made me fall in love with him a hundred times over). 

Happy 1st birthday beautiful boy. 

Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. 

Momma 

Before I was a Mother , I became one. { Mother's Day }

Before I was a mother I dreamt of our baby. Piggyback rides on dad's shoulders,  lullabies before settling in for a blissful night of sleep, good morning smiles and kisses. I dreamt of how our lives would change as a family of three. 

This time last year my belly was large and round as I celebrated Mother's day with family. I had a small idea of what was to come and could only dream and imagine what this little person would be like. I was already in love more and more every day with each kick that I felt ... but I didn't know. 

I didn't know that what laid ahead of me would be so hard. 

I didn't know that what laid ahead of me would be so emotionally draining. 

I didn't know that when they placed him into my arms for the first time tears would flow and emotions would soar. 

I didn't know that even though our bodies would now be separate, I would still feel as if we were one. 

I didn't know I would feel so proud. 

This time last year my body and my heart ached to meet the little person who would make me a momma. 

Jude, I didn't know that even though I had yet to meet you in person you had already made me a mother. You made me a mother as soon as I saw those two pink lines-- when the worry kicked in and my life was consumed with hopes that you would be okay. I analyzed every symptom and lost sleep over test results. 

You made me a mother when two hours into my labor your heart rate plummeted with every contraction and I prayed for your safe arrival. My whole body shook as they sunk the needle into my spine so that I would not feel and then cut me open to get to you. Little did they know, I would still feel everything, just not physically. 

You made me a mother as I was consumed with being successful at breastfeeding. My life became about you and your needs and at first it didn't come easy to us. When it finally started to feel like I had imagined, I lived for those moments. Those sweet blissful moments where you and I were one. 

You made me a mother when you refused to sleep anywhere but by my side for many months. You snuggled up so close and I savoured (mostly) every moment. 

You made me a mother as our bond grew stronger and I could understand you in ways nobody else could. I knew your real cry from your fake cry and I knew if you were drinking from my breast from hunger or for comfort. 

You continuously make me a mother each time you stretch out your arms to me, with each smile, with each laugh and every time you say my name. When I sway you back and forth in front of your crib before laying you down for the night I feel the weight and the warmth of your body against my own and take in your sweet scent. I know these days are numbered so I try to appreciate them as much as I can. 

I will never forget this year and how you made me a mother. Here are to many more years my beautiful boy. 

Filling the Gap

I've been feeling an increasing amount of guilt in the last number of months for not updating my blog. My excuse is that I've been soaking in every precious moment with our little boy and I haven't really gotten around to sharing with everyone in words how we've been getting along in the last number of months. Jude will be 1 year old this week. We celebrated Jude's birthday today with some of his closest friends and family. I find myself feeling a mix of emotions as I get ready to head back to work Monday. 

I was asking Rob.. how do I fill the gap in my blog? I haven't updated in 10 months. He said I should summarize, but it doesn't feel possible to sum up even only the most important moments we've witnessed since last May. There have been so many firsts .. first foods, first laughs, first words and experiences . Becoming a parent has proved to be a challenge in many ways and there have been moments that we've looked at each other in complete bewilderment .. not really sure how to proceed. I can tell you though, there have also been many moments where we have looked at each other in pride. We are so proud of how far Jude has come. He may be tiny at only about 17lbs, but he is as sharp as a tack, learning new things every day. He's also strong, not only in physical ability but in his personality. 

I plan to be a little better at updating my blog in the next little while as we continue to experience new things as a family of three. 

Jude- ONE and TWO months

Doing some more catching up today ... the last few months have flown by and I'm trying to write everything down so I don't forget Jude's milestones. 

Jude is growing, growing, growing. At 12 weeks old he has more than doubled his weight ... weighing in at almost 12 lbs. (For those who forget, he was 5 lbs 9.5 oz at birth.) Usually, babies aren't expected to double their weight until 6 months so he has been growing rapidly. The doctor is very happy with his progression.... he is now reaching the 15th percentile overall :)

It's hard to believe that this is the same baby that had everyone so worried throughout my whole pregnancy. 

Milestones in months 1 and 2: 

- Jude is a well travelled boy. He has already been to the Magdalen Islands in Quebec and Cape Breton, N.S! Our first trip with him was a little rough .. he was so excited that he didn't want to sleep! He was well practiced for our second trip though, everyone in Cape Breton was very impressed with what a good baby he was. 


- In his second month, Jude started to meet all sorts of new friends... it will be neat to see him grow up with these little munchkins! 

 Jude slept the whole way through his first fireworks on Canada Day... 

Jude's first month photo 

                

                                              Jude's second month phots 


- Jude is giving us real smiles and coos. We can say very confidently that it's not just gas now! 

- Jude got in the habit of giving us a 5 hour stretch of sleep for the first part of the evening and then smaller chunks in the early hours of the morning. 

- Jude can roll over onto his side and if he has a bit of help he can roll over all the way. His head control is improving with each day. Looking forward to seeing him do this 100% on his own soon! 

- When he was first born, Jude wasn't a big fan of bath time. Shortly after one month of age, this started being his favourite time of the day. 






Dear Jude, 
We love you with every ounce we have. Watching you grow these past 12 weeks has been a blessing. It seems as if time is flying by but has also gone at a nice pace. Each day being your mama is a joy. I love watching you learn and change. I'm trying to cherish every moment by snuggling, rocking and kissing you every chance I get. My favourite time of day is the morning when you smile  at us for the first time. Your smiles are the best. 

Jude- Our hospital experience

Today I'm thinking a lot of my blog. It has been a bit neglected since I have the sweetest 12 week old that I'm trying to soak up. Mr. Jude keeps me busy so my posts will be sparatic. I'd like to post about my experiences in the hospital the month after Jude was born as well as his first couple months of life. Then I hope to update at least every month but hopefully more. 

Jude went home one day after I was discharged. I was feeling great after my c-section and they wanted to monitor his weight for one extra day. We were so excited to come home. I still remember walking in the front door.. it felt so surreal. I always imagined the moment we would bring our first baby home. We weren't sure what to do first so we put him in the new swing we bought him. At only 5lbs 7 oz, he was very tiny and as he swung back and forth we couldn't help but think it almost looked like he was going to fly out of it. So that was the end of that. 

I remember being so nervous for Jude's first night at home, but he did unbelievably well. It was ME who made the first night rough. I was suddenly feeling awful. I had unbelievably bad stomach pain and a bad chest pain that made it so that I could not sleep lying down. I had to sleep propped up with about four pillows. I thought that this was your regular ol' c-section pain and didn't think too much of it. 

The next day the public health nurse came to see us and was very happy that Jude had gained a couple of ounces. He didn't lose a lot of his original weight, which was great. I mentioned to her the way I had been feeling the night before and she said it was probably normal but if I felt it getting worse I should go into outpatients. We decided to have some friends over and I felt worse and worse. Around suppertime, I was in so much pain that I couldn't sit, stand or walk without crying out. I was a mess. We left Jude with my parents and went to the hospital. I limped into the hospital and was met by a commissionaire who asked me if I'd like a wheelchair. Embarrassed, I said no... but I probably should have given in. 

We were admitted right away since my white blood cell count was elevated which indicated there could be an infection. A doctor tried to feel my stomach but I pushed him away in pain. There were also speculations that I could be constipated or that my gallbladder could be acting up which is apparently very common after having a c-section. 

That night, my pain got worse and worse. While the nurses and doctor continued to speculate, my main concern was feeding my boy. We had a bit of a rough start with breastfeeding since Jude was so tiny and didn't have much energy. We had finally started to get the hang of things and I didn't want to have to give him formula. I inquired about being put on Dilauded and Morphine, but apparently there aren't many medications that aren't safe while breastfeeding. This is something we would learn a lot more about over the course of the next few weeks. 

The next day, I didn't improve much. I started to get a pretty bad fever which worried the nurses. Rob started to get more and more concerned and then the doctors started filing in. We had doctors in from different areas and specialities, all working together to try and find what was wrong. They figured I had an infection from the c-section since my white blood cell count was still elevated and my fever was high. My incision looked great, so this was doubtful to be the source of the infection. What was the source? We never really found out. 

They treated me with IV antibiotics over the course of a few days since this would kill an infection if this was the problem. During this time, I continued to nurse Jude although it wasn't easy with the amount of pain I was in. I remember a nurse asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10 and I told her I'd rather go through labor ten more times.  I felt like I was being dramatic but it was the only way I could describe how I felt. 

After almost a week in the hospital I was given a very difficult decision to make. I was told I could stay another week and a half to continue doing IV treatments or we could finally go home and I could start oral antibiotics, which would likely mean I would have to feed Jude formula for a week because of the change of medication. The OB who performed my surgery said it was likely that he wouldn't have problems returning to breastfeeding, but after a week off the breast, this was always a possibility. Thankfully, we found out later the next day that the new medications were fine to take while breastfeeding and we were able to continue.

Some people might think that this wouldn't have been a big deal and before Jude was born I would have said the same thing. I wasn't overly worried things. I figured if it didn't work out that I wouldn't have any issue with that and it wouldn't be the end of the world to me. We could formula feed no problem. After all, I was a formula fed baby and I turned out fine. I started to feel more passionate about breastfeeding as soon as Jude was born and worked hard to fight for our nursing relationship. I didn't know why at the time. I knew this was how I felt and I couldn't give a reason. 

I started to think about it more after the fact and realized that because I missed out on a stress free pregnancy and the experience of a natural birth, I guess my hormonal self didn't want the next thing taken away. Jude had no problem latching but didn't have the energy to keep feeding for more than a few seconds. When we had our first real successful feeding session, lasting all of 15 minutes, I knew what all this fuss was about. I felt so incredibly bonded with my son and didn't want to lose this. As challenging as breastfeeding has proven to be for us, it gets easier and more rewarding with each day. 

So we went home. We were able to continue to breastfeed. I was so happy to FINALLY be going home for good. It's so tough to stay in the hospital for any length of time after having a baby.. it made me appreciate and emphasize with those having to stay in there with their new babies for months on end. 

Unfortunately though, we were only home for a few days when my chest pains returned and started to worsen. I once again had to sleep propped up with pillows and was having a very hard time breathing even during the day. I remember nursing with tears streaming down my cheeks. Night times were awful since I could barely sit up in bed without yelling out in pain. I felt like I wasn't a good mother because I needed so much help to care for my child. Rob tried to convince me we needed to go back to the hospital but that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be home as a family. 

I tried to toughen it out but knew that I wasn't getting better. So at midnight on a Sunday (It seemed we were always being admitted Sundays) we headed into the hospital and I was admitted for a third time. I cried a lot. I might have been a bit rude to a nurse in outpatients who suggested my baby and husband might need to stay home this time. I was once again having to defend my nursing relationship with Jude. I was feeling sick and exhausted. Rob and I were running on 24 hours with no sleep since he had been in a golf tournament and we had been up early the previous morning. 

It turns out I had pneumonia at one point that caused a buildup of fluid around my right lung. This explained my difficulty breathing. The next day it was decided that I would need a chest tube to drain the fluid off my lung. I won't go into detail about this experience but I found the experience of labor easier than getting a chest tube. Maybe I'm just a big baby though. It hurt. A lot. I'm so lucky to have the family and husband that I do... My in-laws brought us hugs and food. My parents and sister came to give us support. My mom and husband sat by my side as I cursed and cried out loudly when I realized I couldn't move without being in a huge amount of pain (after the chest tube insertion). My brother was worried about me from out of province. I'm really blessed and although I didn't voice it as loudly as I should of, I felt this throughout our two week (in and out) hospital stay. 

During our extended hospital stay, Jude was the perfect baby. He ate, slept and smiled. He cuddled. He would wait for us to leave for good before he would test us in any way... but more on that later :) 

One last thing I'd like to mention are the amazing nurses at the QEH. I can't imagine I was always the easiest patient, but they were all amazing. Some gave tough love, others sat by my bedside to listen to my worries. They would bring blankets and medication, answer our questions and calm our fears. They helped care for Jude even though he wasn't technically a patient anymore. They were our saviours. 

Finally, I was discharged for a third time. This third time I wasn't excited. I was scared to go home , thinking I would only end up back in. I felt like I would never fully feel like myself again, since my breathing was still laboured and I felt like it was a chore to move. I was told it would take time... maybe a month to feel like myself again. 

Finally, I feel 100% better. I still have numbness in my incision site, my lower back from the spinal tap and on my right side from the chest tube. I have my scars, but they make me who I am today. I might be a bit more marked up on the inside and out, but I have one hell of a beautiful baby as my prize.

These next pictures aren't pretty because they show how awful I looked during this period of time.. I was swollen from the fluids and as white as a ghost. I still love them because they're real. I prefer not to sugar coat the whole experience..

Hey Jude { Welcome to the world gorgeous boy}

Introducing 

Jude Roland Horne

Born at 10:56 am

May 13, 2014 

5 lbs 9.5 oz

17 3/4 inches long

Our new little family is happy, healthy & madly in love. 

Here is the story of the day our little boy entered the world.

On monday, May 12th we headed into the hospital to get things started. As previously mentioned, our pregnancy was followed closely all along because of IUGR (growth restriction) and the doctors in Halifax recommended an early delivery at 38 weeks. We were happy to be able to head home instead of staying in Halifax, although I felt emotional leaving since my brother wouldn't get to experience things with us like I thought he would. 

Upon arriving to the hospital Monday, we went into a little room to start the process called " gel induction". This is when they apply gel to soften the cervix and to try and get things moving along since my body was probably not quite ready yet, still a couple of 

weeks behind schedule. 

heading into the hospital to be induced ... last belly photo! 

After the application of the gel, the baby's heart rate was monitored for about an hour and then they sent us home to see if things would get started on their own. They told us to come back to the hospital around 7pm if I didn't feel any different. Although I did feel slight cramping throughout the day, it was definitely bearable and we headed back into the hospital for 7 for our next round of gel. This time they used a double dose and the doctor promised me jokingly that the next time I walked through the hospital doors I would no longer have the same smile on my face. Oh, how he was right. 

Throughout the evening the cramping got to the point where it didn't feel so much like cramping anymore, but very real contractions. The worst part about these "contractions" was that I didn't feel much of a break in between. I took about four baths in a matter of two hours to try to feel somewhat comfortable and tried different positions and breathing techniques. Rob was getting increasingly nervous, wanting to head back into the hospital, and I was becoming increasingly more stubborn thinking that I had low pain 

tolerance and I wanted to wait it out. 

In the late hour of the evening I finally gave in and we headed into the hospital where I was checked and the nurses decided that I was not progressing quickly but agreed that I would need sleep before our baby's birthday the next day. They gave me something to help me sleep and I stayed overnight in hospital to get some rest before being induced the next morning. 

Early the next morning the nurses walked in and announced we would be starting Pitocin to get my labour going. Let me tell you, there is no natural increase of contractions with this drug. Everything happens very quickly and gets intense very fast. Within minutes of having my water broken, I was having heavy contractions only a few minutes apart and was having to focus very hard on my breathing. 

In the two hours I was in labour, every time a contraction would hit, you could see our baby's heart rate dip very low on the monitor. The nurses kept a close eye and you could see them discussing with the doctor. Eventually they inserted a more accurate monitor inside me to the baby's head, but this did not change the reading, it only reinforced what they thought. Our baby was in distress more and more with each contraction and would need to be delivered promptly. 

Thinking that I would be in labour for hours, Rob had gone home to get me a few things; batteries for the camera and an exercise ball to labour with. Little did he know that when he returned, we would have a baby in our arms only 20 minutes later. 

This was an emotional experience. All along I had been hoping for a natural childbirth. At one point I even thought I might be brave enough to try things without drugs, but that thought quickly disappeared with each contraction. I wanted to avoid a c-section if possible as this is major surgery and the recovery time can be long. 

The doctor very calmly and kindly said " I'm a bit worried looking at the heart rate and think we need to go ahead and have this baby now". She then left the room and I started to cry, for different reasons. The pain, the small twinge of disappointed of having to have a c-section, and a small part of excitement and anticipation, especially looking into Rob's eyes as we silently realized that this was it. We were about to become parents.

As they wheeled me out into the hallway, I was having an intense contraction. My eyes were closed and I remember praying that everything would be okay as I tried to concentrate on my breathing at the same time. I happened to open my eyes at the last minute and caught my husband looking at me before we turned the corner, mouthing " I love you". Suddenly I felt a little more at peace.  

In the next five minutes, things were a bit of a blur. Another contraction hit as the anesthesiologist told me to keep still so that I could receive my spinal tap. He had curled me up into the fetal position lying sideways and I remember thinking that if I could just get through this last contraction, I wouldn't have to feel another one. I also remember feeling aggravated with him thinking that him asking me not to move was nearly 

impossible. Somehow though, I managed.

 Rob was then ushered into the room and things happened very quickly from there. Within seconds I couldn't feel anything on the lower half of my body except for the tips of my toes, which is apparently normal as they are the last part of your body to lose feeling. Rob gripped my hand as I felt tugging motions and then we heard the doctor say " Well that's why he was having so much trouble...look at that cord wrapped around his tiny neck". My stomach sank hearing those words but that feeling quickly disappeared as we heard our little boy's first cry. What a strong cry it was... 

We then heard " It's a boy"! followed by... "look to your right, mom!" When I glanced to 

my right I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.Oh to go back and have that moment again.  The euphoric moment of seeing him held high, pink and perfect and crying. 

 The floodgates openend and I remember Rob asking me if I was okay. I felt more than okay, just so emotional all of the sudden. After this long journey we were finally at the finish line. It didn't feel like the finish line though, it felt like a new beginning and it was all so overwhelming.

When they placed my baby boy in front of me for the first time, he puckered his lips out of hunger. It seemed as if he was trying to kiss me and I felt this overwhelming amount of love for this new human being I was just meeting for the first time. I reached out my arms in the most desperate grasp to hold him, and drew him close to my face where I could kiss him. Instant connection. I kissed his nose and made note that it was cold; colder than the rest of him.  And we fell in love, my son and me.

These moments? I have them forever. These are the moments I'll return to when life gets hard or when I feel exhausted during a 3am feeding. When we don't have the answers and I feel scared and uncertain, I will look back and remember what it felt like to be handed my son and how nothing else in the world seemed to matter.  

37 and 38 Weeks {Expecting Baby Horne}

Dear beautiful baby of ours,

We get to take you home soon. We're so nervous but so excited to meet you. We are praying that you'll come out healthy and thriving and that you'll feel from day one how much we love you. We both can't wait to see if you have daddy's curly dark hair or Mommy's dimples. Will you be funny like daddy or determined like Mommy? It doesn't really matter because we'll love you no matter what. ....enjoy your last moments in Mommy's belly. 

                                                                                 With love from the both of us

                  

                                                                              

the beginning of week 37 (Photo taken in downtown Halifax) 

Today is the first day of my 38th week, so this post will recap week 37. Tomorrow could be the big day! On our way home from Halifax, we got a call from Dr. Coolen. She was taking over phone calls for my regular OB GYN (Dr. Macdonald) as he's out for the week. 

She told me to come in to the hospital first thing Monday morning (7:30 am) to be checked and that I would likely be induced either then or Tuesday. The last few days I have been doing a lot of relaxing and sleeping as much as possible since I know sleep will be a rare commodity in the near future. 

Our bags are still packed (have been for weeks now) and we are more than ready for this baby. I can't say we aren't a little nervous and anxious but I think we are more excited than anything. 

Today was spent enjoying my first Mother's day as a mom to be... Rob bought me flowers last night and I was given a couple of thoughtful little tokens throughout the day. It felt a little surreal celebrating with those around me knowing that in just hours, our lives will be forever changed (for the better). 

So....everyone can consider this my last {Expecting Baby Horne} post. Hopefully my next post will show a beautiful little face instead of my big belly and we will share photos and introduce you to our new addition! 

Today at 38 weeks... my last "bump" photo! (not much change in the last few weeks... although I'm hoping that looks are deceiving and that baby is still putting on weight!) 

My weekly update: 

How far along? 38 weeks today!

Total weight gain:  31 lbs total since day 1. 

Stretch marks? None :) I've been told stretch marks can appear after pregnancy though, so we'll see! 

Sleep: I have been trying to enjoy my last few sleep-ins before becoming a mom. Yesterday we slept until 10:45 am.... very late for me! Today I was feeling anxious and woke up very hungry at 6am, so feeling exhausted now and hoping for a good sleep tonight. I'm still relying on Zantac and Tums for heartburn, and using the awesome body pillow lent to me by my cousin Kathy. I know that sleep will become even more broken up in the next couple of weeks, and I might regret saying this... but I'm almost looking forward to the interrupted sleep since it will be worth it. Totally worth it. 

Best moment this week: Last night spending time with close friends, and today spending time with family. I also spent a lot of time appreciating the baby move from the inside since I know I'm going to miss this in days to come :( 

Miss anything?  At the moment, I'm very happy and wouldn't change a thing except for having my brother here. I'm still disappointed that we had to leave him in Halifax and I can't wait to see him hold his niece or nephew for the first time! 

Movement:  Movement has been crazy this week. The doctors over in Halifax told me to watch for 6 movements in a two hour period and I can say that we've reached at least 4 times that. Our last night in Halifax, we went to watch the Spiderman movie in Imax and I was almost thinking I should take a break and step outside. I wasn't sure if baby liked the noise or not but I was being beaten up from the inside! I'm going to miss it so much in those first few days... it's going to be quite the change !

Food cravings:  Lime, lime and more lime. Popsicles, slushy drinks ... anything that's cold and tastes like lime. I can't see that changing anytime soon. 

Anything making you queasy or sick: fatigue. 

Gender: The guesses are pretty much split down the middle. As of the last week some who were saying boy have now changed their guesses to girl.... we will see in the next couple of days! 

labor signs: Experiencing a lot of light cramping, and generally just feeling off. 

Symptoms: Braxton Hicks, heartburn, frequent washroom breaks, swollen feet and hands..... not much change here.

    

Belly button in or out? Still out.

Wedding rings on or off?  Off , but hoping the swelling will go down soon after I give birth and I'll be able to squeeze them back on sooner rather than later :) 

Happy or moody most of the time: Anxious to get this show on the road...and happy. 

Looking forward to:  Lots of things .... seeing Rob hold our baby for the first time. Getting to hold our baby myself for the first time. Hearing our baby's first cry. Hearing " It's a boy, or It's a girl". Cuddles. Family and friends meeting our bundle of joy. Being a family of three. Getting to experience love at first sight. Falling more in love with my husband than I already am. 

.... the list could go on. 

I can't wait to update you all with some exciting news!!!!!